In today’s world, conversations are everywhere. From casual banter between friends to small talk with strangers or strategic chats with colleagues, we engage in verbal exchanges all day long. You’d think that with all this practice, we’d be great at it by now—right?
Not quite. According to Alison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and author of Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, most of us get more wrong than right when it comes to communication. Her research debunks many popular myths we carry about what makes a conversation “good,” and offers science-backed strategies to help us connect better, feel more confident, and talk in ways that actually bring us closer to others.
One simple change? Preparation. Brooks discovered that barely 18% of people think about what they want to talk about before a conversation. Many worry that doing so makes them seem robotic, fake, or manipulative. But her findings show otherwise: even just 30 seconds of topic prep can reduce awkward silences, boost flow, and help people feel more confident going into social interactions. Brooks’ MBA students are often surprised to find that their most enjoyable conversations often happen when they’ve planned—at least a little—what they might say.
That doesn’t mean every topic needs to be mapped out. Think of it more as a conversational safety net, something that helps you pivot gracefully when a dialogue starts to stall. And, importantly, it steers the discussion away from default topics like the weather or traffic and toward more thoughtful, meaningful exchanges.
But here’s the catch: we’re not very good at predicting which topics will spark great conversations. Brooks and her colleague Mike Yeomans had 1,000 participants rate 50 potential talking points—from “your favorite book” to “a time you experienced grief.” Then, people actually discussed those topics. The results? Often, the conversations people expected to enjoy the least—like talking about when they last cried in front of someone—turned out to be surprisingly satisfying and bonding.
This was exactly the case for Tom, a retired lawyer from Chicago who, at a neighborhood meetup, casually mentioned the recent loss of his wife. Instead of awkward silence, it led to a vulnerable and heartfelt conversation with a neighbor who had gone through a similar experience. What could have been brushed off as too “heavy” became the foundation of a real connection.
Beyond the content of our conversations, pacing matters too. Brooks ran a study where strangers were asked either to have a free-flowing chat or to speed through 12 different topics in 10 minutes. Interestingly, the fast-switchers reported more enjoyment, not less. The takeaway? Covering more ground makes conversations feel more dynamic and engaging—even if they don’t go as deep into each subject.
Asking questions is another area where we consistently overestimate our own skill. Brooks found that people who ask more questions are consistently rated as more likable, especially in quick, four-minute speed-dating sessions. Yet, most of us think we ask more questions than we actually do.
There’s also a subtle trap she calls “boomerasking”—when we ask a question mainly because we want to talk about ourselves. You know the kind: “How was your weekend?” (when you’re just dying to tell your own wild story). These questions often come off as disingenuous or even self-centered.
Humor, meanwhile, is a conversational tool many are afraid to use—but probably shouldn’t be. According to Brooks, we tend to underestimate how well our attempts at humor land. In reality, a well-timed joke, especially one that references an earlier part of the conversation (a “callback”), helps build intimacy and shared memory. She found that people’s favorite conversational partners—whether friends, spouses, or coworkers—use these little moments of humor far more often than we think.
Compliments work similarly. A 2021 experiment found that most people are hesitant to give strangers compliments—they assume it’ll come off as awkward or unwelcome. Yet, the recipients of those compliments usually feel flattered and grateful, and the compliment-giver ends up feeling better too. Brooks does advise avoiding compliments on physical appearance unless you’re sure they’ll be well-received—but praising someone’s taste, insights, or achievements is always a good move.
Then there are apologies—often misunderstood as signs of weakness. But the opposite appears true. Brooks cites a study where strangers were asked to borrow someone’s phone, with or without a quick apology for the bad weather. Those who apologized—even though the weather wasn’t their fault—were significantly more successful. Similarly, doctors who apologize for medical errors are less likely to be sued. A little accountability goes a long way in building trust.
Perhaps the most sobering insight from Brooks’ work is just how wrong we are about how well we’re understood. A 2022 study showed that when someone asks an ambiguous question in a conversation, both people believe they understood each other 70% of the time. The truth? They were only on the same page 44% of the time. And even when speaking entirely different languages, participants still overestimated their shared understanding—just based on tone.
This aligns with George Bernard Shaw’s famous quote: “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
In a world that prizes productivity and speed, we often overlook the power of genuine, thoughtful conversation. But science is reminding us that smarter, better dialogue isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being human: curious, humble, and willing to connect. So next time you’re about to meet a friend, strike up a chat at work, or even make small talk with a stranger, remember that with just a few intentional choices, you can talk in a way that feels better, builds trust, and maybe even sparks something deeper.
